I started this blog to have a place to sort a few things out. I used to be very good about keeping a journal, but over the years several people have availed themselves of it to seek ammunition to start or prolong a fight. I thought a blog, under a pen name, might be just the ticket.

I wanted a place to write things out, and maybe see how silly or relevant my feelings might be, to gain some insight...

Writing here does help.

However, a blog is not a good friend who truly cares, and gives a constructive voice to a different perspective, and I wonder, do I have friends?

Of course I do, Entrare is a good one.

I have others, too.

So why in the hell am I having a hard time checking my email, singing along with Christmas carols, and feeling joy in life?

Because there are things no matter how quasi-anonymous this blog is, it will never be a place where I can sort those especially difficult things out, and no-one I know/trust is physiologically capable of helping me cope with. I feel obligated for several reasons, to censor the attempt to 'talk it out with a friend" and the censoring makes my deep and profound grief impossible for anyone else to understand. The need to censor makes my troubles-or my reaction to them-seem trivial, and shallow.

"oh, you are like every other divorcee, bitter, and angry that your financial situation changed so very dramatically after the divorce. You need to let it go."

Oh Christ, the things I know about the things my ex-husband did! He is a rapist, a kidnapper, and those are just the crimes he committed against my son and me. Those he committed against others are even worse, and he dared to say that he is not a monster.

I have been living in fear for my life for years, afraid to tell, afraid to speak, afraid to even try to go to a 'mental health' professional because A-who would believe me? and B-I could endanger someone beyond those already endangered.

I am trying so damn hard to hang on, to keep the flicker of hope alive in me that this nightmare will end soon. That I will be able to get past this, that I will somehow save my family.

Crusty deliberately destroyed my family. He took EVERYTHING, every single thing-family, love, hope, faith and trust in humanity-and dragged it through an unbelievable sewer of consummate evil; he did this not only to my son and me, but to others. He deliberately created a horrific ripple that is spreading across the entire world with heartbreaking consequences.

It is as if he murdered Father Christmas on live television, and no-one much cared, because it simply couldn't be real, could it?

But it is, and I am having more trouble than I thought I would getting through it.

I trust in God, I do. I understand how Crusty is temporarily getting away with this horror he and his cronies are inflicting on the world. I truly believe in Free Will, and that Free Will is God's greatest gift and simultaneous ultimate expression of hope for us. So I understand about how Crusty was and is able to do these terrible things.

Ah. I think my problem is that no-one, even those who knew what was happening, and were sworn to stand against it, not only failed me and the other, more important victims, they stood by idly and let it continue! No-one, NO-ONE who could have stood up and said "Hey, you can't do this!"

And secondly, no-one who could/should have, stood up and defended FOX and ME-ever.

God, help me, they let that little girl die, and justify it by saying she was "trailer trash." They could have saved her life, and they let her die, even though they knew my hit/miss record. They did it because it would have blown their cover, and now a thirteen year old girl is dead. They did it because they had so much filth on them what was one more kid?

Oh God in Heaven, how do I get through this alone? I know you are there Father, but oh God, why do Fox and I have no-where safe to lay our heads? Because Crusty and his cronies are still getting away with their evil, and everyone who knows (because they were there and saw what happened) are afraid to stand up.

United we stand-divided we fall. Gaius said it-"Divide to conquer." And so Crusty did. Because (nothing original or novel about Crusty...) he saw the impunity others operated under, and wanted some for him self. He actually thinks he is "running with the big dogs" now.