As previously mentioned in earlier posts, I have heart conditions. It used to be 'just one', a little something I called 'my stoopid little heart thingie' - Rheumatic Heart Syndrome (RHS). Then in late 1998 I developed pericarditis (in short, where the sac surrounding the heart becomes inflamed and fills with more fluid than it should) which developed into cardiac tamponade where the pericardium fills with so much excess fluid it squeezes the heart...yes it is a life-threatening condition as that squeezing can stop the heart beating, and yes, the 'treatment' is the stuff of nightmares - an aspirating needle is guided via echocardiogram images into the pericardium to drain off the fluid. Mine was done in an emergency situation and the 'pain relief' administered was not able to be given time to fully take effect. Nothing like seeing a thin tube flopping about from the insertion point to cause life-long nightmares ever after.

The RHS damaged my aortic valve (luckily my most recent echo shows 'trivial' damage so no rush to replace that valve the now). The pericarditis eventually became 'recurrent pericarditis' and they still, 20+years on, don't know why although they think it might be a consequence of catching Dengue Fever in 1996 whilst living in Guatemala City, Guatemala. Apparently in some people the Dengue leaves them open to later developing recurrent pericarditis. Er, like me.

Every time a pandemic spreads itself across the globe (and for some reason those pandemics always seem to begin in China) I have to worry and that has been the case since I was a teenager with RHS and in late 1973 caught a whopping case of what was then called Hong Kong Flu. I remember getting up from the sofa in the middle of the night to visit the water closet. I remember making it as far as the entry to the hallway leading to the WC. I even remember beginning the faint that caused a middle of the night ambulance ride and I remember coming to in hospital a few days later hearing a cardiologist telling my step-mother I would always have to be careful of catching flu owing to the RHS being a 'pre-existing condition' that meant a flu could kill me.

I remember her shrugging off the warnings. My dad was in the process of divorcing her but I was still living in 'her' house as I was under 18 at the time and the prevailing notion was children should stay with the maternal figure (hahahaha, maternal figure!). Just before he died he told me he'd not even been advised I'd been in hospital (second time that year as in the spring of '73 I spent two weeks in hospital after a motor wreck) and been told my heart was predisposing me to all sorts...so when I wanted to join the USCG he was happy to sign the papers (I wasn't 18 yet), something he said had he known my heart condition had led to a whopping case of flu that nearly killed me he would never have signed me into the USCG.

Right, onwards and upwards - obviously I survived the Coast Guard, survived having my children (although the first one really did almost kill me and the cardiologist was so angry with me for daring to become pregnant he refused to ever see me again and I had to find a new cardiologist). In the early 90s I read a book called 'The Coming Plague' and it scared me so badly I could only read one chapter at a time then put the book down for a week or so to give me enough time to control the panic attacks.

But I managed well enough over the years until the pericarditis, and then afterwards even when my ex-husband cancelled my health insurance (despite being court ordered to keep it going) I was on my own. Which I somehow managed to do until I found a job with health insurance.

And then in early 2009 another pandemic hit and I came down with another whopping case of flu, this time a flu later named 'Swine Flu' and let me tell you, there were three days there I was certain I was about to die as my case of the flu was so bad. And, naturally, this lovely little killer came from...China, spread to Mexico and made its way into the USA via the border crossing.

After I recovered I went into serious preventative mode, even more so than when I'd read The Coming Plague and started a whole new way of grocery shopping (for example) - spray the trolley handle and basket with isopropyl alcohol, let it dry (preferably in sunshine), do the shopping then spray the hell out of my hands and outer garments after I'd packed the shop into the car boot...

In August 2010 I came to Scotland. In March 2019 I came down with a whopping acute flare of the recurrent pericarditis - something not often enough seen in the UK so when I presented with obvious signs of looming cardiac tamponade my GP sent me 'urgent' to the Rapid Access Chest Pain unit thinking I had heart failure.

Which of course (thank-you God) I don't have, but lack of proper treatment for the acute flare meant months of recovery despite my repeatedly telling one and all I came into contact with I knew I had pericardial effusion and it was the cause of all my symptoms. I was told repeatedly there was no way I was 'that unwell' as I was 'too bouncy to be that unwell' and 'no-one with what you're claiming could be as ambulatory as you are'.

Heh.

I'm not going to 'diss' the Scottish NHS here but I will say it's a damn good thing I'm not entirely stupid and can self-care as they are clueless - they didn't even bother to do an echo where the effusion was discovered for over a month after I was first seen and by then I was well into recovery and the effusion clearing itself.

And now (the point of this post) we have a 'novel coronavirus' sweeping the globe and its mutation rate means it could well be the 'VirusX' the CDC and WHO have been worrying about. And people like me with 'pre-existing conditions' are especially vulnerable to this new flu. And naturally, it began in China - apparently in early December 2019 but has taken until this past week to be fully revealed to the world. Swell.

We 'downsized' September 2018 so don't have as much storage space as we did at the old house - instead of being able to store around six months of rotating 'dry goods' and three months of 'perishables' we now can only store 2-3 months 'dry goods' and a month of perishables. Yesterday we 'topped up' when we saw on the news there were four people in isolation down in Edinburgh suspected of having the novel coronavirus. We're not panicked, of course but we made a point of topping up the aspirin and isopropyl alcohol stock amongst other things. We filled the fuel tank and stocked up a bit more bottled water.

First thing (around 8am UK time) I scanned the news. This morning there are six suspected cases across the UK, dozens more across the world. The mutation rate of this 'novel coronavirus' is almost exactly like the 1917 Spanish Influenza mutation rate.

Skippy, this ain't gonna end well. 

Ten cities in China are on lock-down. The death rate is 26 but news sources (credible ones) are saying that number will likely double by the end of the day. Presumed cases just in China are at 10,000 and likely closer to 20K. Cases in the rest of the world are being diagnosed every hour, and worst of all - medics are being infected so it's clear the virus has mutated now to the point of human-to-human transmission.

Here in the UK it has been revealed GP surgeries have been advised to communicate with suspected cases via telephone and if a patient dares present with symptoms at the actual surgery they are to lock said patient in the exam room, clear the surgery wait area of patients and close the surgery at once.

I'm a 'hermit' type person any road as is my husband - our main exposure to the 'general public' are the grocery and butcher runs every few weeks. I'm not terribly worried and neither is my husband - we're going to continue on as normal for us during winter (pretty much staying in to avoid being out on icy roads).

But I'd be lying if I said I don't have concerns - when was the last time China took an outbreak seriously enough to lock-down ten of it's cities?

I've just tuned to the telly news (11am UK time). and I feel sure this 'novel coronavirus' news will be even more disturbing than it was at 0800hrs.

Opened the digital copy of my 'hometown' newspaper yesterday afternoon and found yet another obit for someone I genuinely never expected to die before me much less by apparent suicide. He was more one of my brothers friends than mine, younger by more than ten years so I saw him more as a sort of kid brother than a contemporary. But I always had such admiration and respect for him although he wasn't part of my personal immediate crowd.

'Oddly' enough, I'd been thinking about him, and as a consequence, that brother with whom I had such a falling out (his choice, not mine) more than 30 years ago we've not spoken much at all since. I was so annoyed, in fact, by the resurfacing memories I pushed it all angrily out of my mind. And then yesterday afternoon I found the obituary.

All through last night Jackson Browne's Song For Adam (1972) played on repeat in my head and I woke with it in my head. I've never understood the last line in the song because I do, I always have, and it was the first thing I did on reading about his death.

RIP, kid. This one is for you, and for my brother who I know is grieving in his way at your loss.

Though Adam was a friend of mine
I did not know him well
He was alone into his distance
He was deep into his well
I could guess what he was laughing at
But I couldn't really tell
Now the story's told that Adam jumped
But I've been thinking that he fell

Together we went traveling
As we received the call
His destination India
And I had none at all
Well, I still remember laughing
With our backs against the wall
So free of fear, we never thought
That one of us might fall

I sit before my only candle
But it's so little light to find my way
Now this story unfolds before my candle
Which is shorter every hour
As it reaches for the day
But I feel just like a candle in the way
I guess I'll get there
But I wouldn't say for sure

When we parted we were laughing still
As our goodbyes were said
And I never heard from him again
As each our lives we led
Except for once in someone else's
Letter that I read
Until I heard the sudden word
That a friend of mine was dead

I sit before my only candle
Like a pilgrim sits beside the way
Now this journey appears before my candle
As a song that's growing fainter
The harder I play
That I fear before I end I'll fade away
But I guess I'll get there
Though I wouldn't say for sure

Though Adam was a friend of mine,
I did not know him long
And when I stood myself beside him,
I never though I was as strong
Still it seems he stopped his singing
In the middle of his song
Well I'm not the one to say I know
But I'm hoping he was wrong

I'm holding out my only candle
Though it's so little light to find my way
Now this story's been laid beneath my candle
And it's shorter every hour
As it reaches for the day
Yes, I feel just like a candle in the way
I hope I'll get there
But I never pray

 

Sigh and quiet sob, Christmas decor now down and put away for (God willing) Christmas 2020. 7th January is never my favourite day.

However...

I'm starting a new tradition this year and I think it might explain why I was more matter-of-fact and less blubby about de-decking the halls this morning.

2 February is the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord in the Temple and the new tradition is leaving the Crèche on the electric fireplace mantel until the morning of 3 February to keep us mindful of the Nativity story a bit longer. In part I'm doing it for me, and in part for Paul who this past year has shown more interest in faith. Over the past year he has actually beaten me to tearing the previous day page off the 'page a day' Bible verse calendar on the fridge and has referred to the verse of the day several times as well. This past Christmas season he wanted to know more about the Nativity story so I thought making a new tradition (keeping the Crèche out until the Presentation) might be helpful to him.

I don't want to say 'I'm bringing him to Jesus' but I did hear him the other day saying to a friend his 'Wee Free' upbringing was too rigid and why he was turned off religious faith for so long. He went on to say he would like to start going to church this year - but made a point of saying he wanted to go to '...my wife's church', not the one he grew up in.

I'm taking up a new craft this year - Father Christmas brought me candle making supplies so I can make beeswax candles again. I'm thinking votive mostly but I would like to do at least a dozen hand-dipped tapers. I miss the zen of hand-dipping tapers. It's arduous, tedious (until not paying enough attention leads to injury), and completely satisfying.

2nd February is also 'Candlemas', the traditional day the household candles are blessed. Well, were, the tradition has pretty much died out since people rarely make their own candles a year ahead any longer. But I'm setting the date in my mind for the day I get back to candle-making. I have a few more supplies to gather to add to the basket where I'll be keeping everything (moulds, wicks, wick stabilisers, thermometer, fragrance, etc).

But even with the Crèche on the mantel, the house feels bare, colder and more dreary (doesn't help it's another 'dull' Scottish winter day with rain pelting down). 7th January is never my favourite day. 

2020. I'm still trying to wrap my head around actually living to see 2020 arrive. I'm on a private heart patient message board support group and many of the New Year posts said the same thing - 'Can't Believe I'm Still Here!'. I think I've mentioned in previous posts I was pretty sure at the close of the 2018 Christmas season I was having trouble with my heart and had serious doubts I'd still be alive to see Christmas 2019. So being awake at the bells NYE 2019 was a pretty good thing for me. Not an achievement so much as a grace. Thank-you, God!

We had the telly on mute to see the fireworks from Edinburgh - no live feed from London as all we get up here is Scottish on occasions like this.

SIDEBAR MOMENT: So, 12th December 2019 we had a little thing here in the UK known as a General Election. Definitely a 'snap' one as it came far earlier than the expected one in 2022 had Parliament not finally agreed a 'snap' GE was needed to break the Brexit deadlock caused by a anti-democratic Parliament dead-set on overturning the referendum result of Leave The EU. 
Actually it being a snap GE was nice - shorter campaign period meant shorter time having to endure campaigning and fear-mongering from the anti-democratics trying to make us vassals to Brussels. 
And in the end Boris won a genuine majority. While his notion of Brexit is a bit less than we'd like, at least we're seeing forward motion. 31st January 2020 we move to a 'transitional period' - still paying into the Brussels coffers, dammit, and without any say whilst having to 'obey' all their rules. But 31st December 2020 the transition period ends and we're out - 'deal or no deal'. 
HOWEVER - while the shortened campaign and resulting majority were nice things to have happened, the televised coverage of election returns was not - living in Scotland all we got was a Scotland-centric obviously pro-SNP biased televised newsfeed on every channel except SkyNews and we weren't about to watch Berc The Cow crowing (Sky's only pundit for election returns). 
In the end after five minutes on the BeebScotland and STV live coverage we hit mute on Sky to watch the ticker and flipped on the laptop to watch the online live ITV coverage. The ITV coverage was actually rather good - relatively bias free and almost as fast reporting results as SkyNews was
I love my wee corner of the United Kingdom but dammit can we please put the lid down on events coverage being Scotland-centric when it's an event affecting the entire Kingdom, please?! The BBC has dedicated two - yes, two - channels up here just for Scotland (BBC Scotland, and Alba which is all Scots and Gaelic language), couldn't BBC1 Scotland have been UK results coverage instead of that rubbish across all three channels? Couldn't STV for once have bowed to reality and broadcast the ITV programme instead of trying to force us to endure the nasally whines and whinges of NeverEndDumTillWeGetTheRightResult lot??!! 
It would have been nice to have decent election coverage without resorting to the laptop, and even nicer to have the Edinburgh NYE coverage ONLY on the BBC Scotland channel so we could watch the London fireworks on BBC1 Scotland whilst watching the Edinburgh ones on the laptop.

To make things nicer for our NYE bells viewing we had the Stonehaven live clock tower web cam on the laptop. What an amazing spectacle the fireballs parade is. If I live to see another NYE I will be there on the pavements to see the fireballs in person.

So, any road, 2020. A new year, a new decade. Yes, I made resolutions. I kept most of the ones I made last year so this year the list is a bit longer. Naturally it includes several items meant to rebuild my health.

As the 2019 Christmas season winds to a close (as always, everything comes down the morning of the 7th January, and this year I will actually pack away everything the same day. I just don't have that same 'I won't see another Christmas' feeling I did last year), I have to say it was probably one of the most subdued Christmas seasons I've ever passed. Television was dire - absolutely NO religious programming except the Christmas Eve Carols From Kings College. No pantos, either, and school Nativities have dwindled to next-to-none.

Very little in the way of any real Christmas programming or public activities at all and what little was 'Christmassy' was pathetically correct rubbish. Very few Christmas lights on homes and businesses, town and village tree lightings were not publicised (fewer paid 'celebrities' switching on, too), and I didn't hear ONE 'Merry/Happy Christmas!' from any till operator when doing my shopping. The postie and Hermes courier were good enough to wish us a Happy Christmas with every delivery, as was the Amazon courier when he brought the Subscribe and Save. But that was it for Christmassy bonhomie, it was definitely noticeable and quite sad.

The adverts (usually one of the reasons I watch telly during 'the festive season' is to see the adverts) were beyond rubbish. OK, I liked the ASDA one (non-spiritual but charming), and the Waitrose-John Lewis one with the dragon was fun(ish) but that one was muddled - WTH was in that box she gave Edgar Christmas Morning (after he'd accidentally melted the snowman AND ice skating pond plus burning down the village Christmas tree with his apparently unrestrainable fire-breathing)??!! Surely it wasn't the Christmas pudding he presented the villagers with - was it a tablet he could go online with to YouTube videos on controlling his fire-breathing, WHAT?!

Thank-heavens House of Fraser has basically gone belly-up so we didn't have to endure any of their 'edgy-trendy' shyte (sorry but their 'Christmas' adverts were the epitome of utter shyte, simply no other words for it and why I stopped shopping there - I don't think I'm the only shopper to give up on HoF owing to their rubbish adverts). But Marks and Spencer outdid themselves trying to take up the HoF slack. sigh. sigh and gag. Would someone please inform M&S the House of Pain 'Jump Around' song is not a Christmas carol, please?

Two Christmas' ago the only advert to come close to remembering 'Jesus is the reason...' was the Morrisons advert showing a wee girl as the Nativity Angel. This year nothing. From any commercial outlet. It seemed as though the Christian has been scrubbed from Christmas. We did hear many 'Merry Christmas!' greetings - but in all honesty, wishing someone a 'Merry' Christmas is wishing them a season-long drinking binge and lots of illicit sex (the origin of the phrase 'Merry Christmas' comes from 'making merry' which meant being totally blotto and in the hay with as many strangers -or your in-law/best friend's spouse - as possible). Wishing someone a 'Happy Christmas' is just so much more genteel, and appears to be making a hesitant come-back. Dare we hope a more spiritual recognition of the meaning of Christmas will be permitted the same tentative return for Christmas 2020 and beyond? Hope floats.

Hanukkah fell during the 'festive season' - NO mention of it ANYWHERE - no televised lighting of the Menorah, no reports from Jerusalem on any part of Hanukkah celebrations. But there were several horrific attacks on Jews and some vandalism of Synagogues and cemeteries, scarcely mentioned but at least those horrors did make the news. Mostly used to virtue-signal (was there anything more galling than London Mayor Khan mouthing platitudes? Probably, perhaps the Labour Party mouthings at least equal the outrageous daring of Khan to 'condemn' the attacks).

And while we dare not speak it for fear of The Thought Polis (a very, very real fear here in the UK these days, as well as over in Europe), we all know why Christmas 2019 was so bloody subdued.

2020. What will this new year-new decade bring?