26 September 2016

Oh I do so hate when this happens - I woke up about a half hour ago from a bad dream. Bad dream? Why a bad dream? Anytime I dream of Crusty, it's a bad dream. And the dream involved Crusty. Long story short...

As usual with bad dreams, the setting was 'weird' - set in the late nineties or early (pre-9/11) 2000s. But with current thinking - Crusty asked about my husband Paul. But then he switched back to the years just after the divorce. As I wrote, it was a weird dream.

We were walking through an airport and he was asking me to use a skill I have (from my USCG days). But typical Crusty, whilst asking me to go waaaaaay out of my way to do something for him, he also insulted the hell out of me - he asked if I was working and I answered - 'No phone, no car, no job'. His reply was 'Good!' as though I deserved to be hanging on the cliff edge for what I'd done to him.

And I woke up. Angry. Hurt. It took me a few minutes to understand something - it's not that he lied so often and so long to justify all the hell he created for himself, me, and most of all for Fox, it's that people believed him and never once thought to ask me!

I lay there staring into the dark thinking 'I can't work out what hurt the worst, that he lied to people that I was the one at fault, or that people believed his outrageous lies.'

For the record - I'M NOT THE ONE WHO HABITUALLY CHEATED (and in addition to cheating with his friends wives and the odd airline stewardess, his primary cheat was with hookers, ick!). I NEVER CHEATED - I was a good and faithful wife and NEVER betrayed him. NEVER!

Also for the record, he was the biggest spendthrift on the planet - I worked SO hard SO many times to get us out of the truly horrific debt he created - and his response every time I got us 'back in black' was to dig us deeper into the red.

He was a terrible husband and father - there isn't enough room here to list all the ways and reasons why Crusty is best described as a psycho-sociopath. The worst thing he did was to use Fox as a chain, a weapon - every time I tried (from the time Fox was an infant in arms) to leave, Crusty put a virtual (and on occasion particularly towards the end) gun to our heads.

Using a child as a chain and weapon is EVIL - CONSUMMATE EVIL. End of. He'll answer to God for that.

Saying 'He lied and lied and lied and lied and...' just doesn't begin to cover it.

He lied. To every one. For years. After the divorce I found out he'd been lying to every one for the entire time we were together.

He lied.

And people believed him.

And in the dream, he too believed, he'd lied to himself and everyone else for so long he'd come to believe his lies so completely that hearing I was having troubles gave him a great deal of satisfaction. As though I deserved to suffer for what I'd put him through.

I believe in God. I believe Crusty's day will come and he will be unable to lie to himself any longer, and he'll have eternity to face the truth.

And while I know it's wrong - this morning I'm finding a bit of comfort and satisfaction at that.

Perhaps later on this morning I'll find the strength to pray that rat bastard saves his soul before it's too late but just now, all things considered, I am finding a bit of comfort in knowing Crusty will face God and finally have to answer for what he did to me, and most especially what he did to Fox.

And I know the answer to my question (what hurt worst) - people believed Crusty's lies. I don't think I'll EVER get over the hurt that people who knew me actually believed his filthy, savagely cruel lies.

For that, there is no comfort. I hope I never see any of them again in this or any other life. Ever. They didn't stop to think, they didn't bother to ask me. That's it - we're done.

The only people I care about are my children, my grandchildren, and my Asperger's, coeliac, idiopathic hypoglycaemic husband Paul.

11 September 2016


I wasn't going to post a new piece today - I've blogged before about 9/11 and thought this year I'd remember the day (and the days-months-years following) quietly. Without comment.


But last night I finally watched the movie 'United 93'. It came out in 2006 and until last night I've not been able to bring myself to watch it.

And this morning (British Summer Time) on opening my email the first thing I saw was an article on one of the Patch feeds I follow (the one from New Jersey, USA). The article was about how 9/11 is taught and commemorated in schools.

And then I saw a piece on a different feed I follow about a California university history department head who ripped down commemoration posters students had placed around campus (Saddleback) saying the areas the posters had been placed aren't 'free speech zones'.

And I realised that despite this being the 15th anniversary of the most horrific attack EVER on American soil, an attack in which not only Americans but citizens of nearly every country on Earth lost their lives to a coordinated attack on freedom and democracy, has been deliberately muted, shuffled off to 'history' as something best brushed under the carpet and better left unmentioned to avoid (OMFG!) accusations of racism.

As if islam is a race (in case you didn't know, islam is a 'religion' of dubious origin and practices, and is most certainly NOT A RACE).

I'm female. I'm white (GASP - dare I say it?!). I'm Christian (insert another gasp here). I have Jewish ancestry (paternal granddad). I believe in 'gay rights'.

Oh yeah, baby, I'm everything the muslims hate.

Last night I found myself shouting at the screen - 'FILTH' every time one of the actors portraying the hijackers was on-screen.

This morning I found myself sputtering outraged at the Patch piece recounting how some teachers are using the horror of 9/11 to shove collective (and utterly unjustified) 'white guilt' down American schoolchildren's throats. Or mindless food oriented patriotic fervor. Or perhaps worst - that ultimately the evil Russians caused this when they invaded Afghanistan way back when (in the 1980s and 90s) so we should hate the evil Russians. Really - that's what one teacher focusses on for his students, that this is all Russia's fault. Sweet Jesus, we are sooooooooooooooooooo screwed!

Didn't help to read our resident commie Jeremy Corbyn (UK Labour Party leader) distinguished himself yet again with ambiguous, faintly damning expressions of sympathy for 'those suffering the terror and its aftermath' - ya know, 'cause we brought it on ourselves and so deserved to wake up that morning just in time to see the South Tower collapse knowing we'd just watched colleagues, friends, family DIE ON LIVE TV, ffs!

Meanwhile, muslimas flounce around in niqabs (yeah, it's true - West Midlands Police are seriously considering permitting the full-face veil and body bag (er, I mean the niqab and burka) as WPC official uniforms. For those who request it. How nice (she said in a voice drenched with sarcasm) the WPCs currently only able to wear their hijabs will henceforth be able to request to wear the identity-hiding niqab. More and more muslim males are prancing around our streets in their jimmie-jams. Nothing in the korny-ran helly book they follow demands the silly outfits but ffs don't say anything about their clothes and insane religious practices or you'll be a racist and lose your job-home-children. Seriously. I live in Scotland - and what I've written today on this blog could well have the Thought Polis to my door - there have already been arrests and prosecutions resulting in custodial sentences for the crime of calling a spade a spade.

Freedom of speech? Yer havvin a laff.

You know, because shariah law is the future, you infidel kaffir, so get with the programme of islamic overrunning of your countries.


Meanwhile, so-called 'feminists' and large swaths of the same-sex oriented continue to proclaim themselves 'pro-islam' - I fecking despair.

Meanwhile...I could go on and on and on and on. I've lost 'friends' who think I'm horrible because I can see what is happening and I don't like it. Succinctly, if I wanted to be around muslims and shariah and flinging gays off towers and stoning rape victims, I'd go live in some muslim dominated country. I don't want to live that way so I live in the West...But

But across the US, the UK (where I now live and where countless generations of my gene pool have lived), and Europe, commemorations of 9/11 have been cancelled if planned at all in the first place.

This year, the 'rule' is - 'Don't Mention Islamic Terrorism!'

We're doomed.