23 March 2008

Happy Easter!

An update on the work situation, I am sending out my resume, and signing up with a couple of agencies locally. It's scary, and aggravating, but I've had to recognize a few painful truths, so I suppose one day I'll look back on this and feel that the need to reassess was a blessing in disguise.

Truth is, I am not too happy with what this job brought out in me-anger and bitterness, mostly.

But also pettiness, an unhealthy interest in exacting revenge and an even unhealthier desire to professionally shred a few people. I managed, barely, to control those interests; I'm having the hardest time getting past wanting to be around to see 'them' get what they so richly deserve.

Not good, and I think that although I am not exactly employable at this point-I went from writing around five mil a month in purchase orders to be basically a receiving clerk-I am going to try to find another job.

The worst part I think for me after the hard personal truths I had to recognize about myself, was that two people I had considered friends went to such lengths to trap me in a dead-end job for the worst reasons. Blondie wanted me shut-up, and the former ex boss wanted me to be his cover-me-kid (all he would have had to do was ask, I liked him, and knew Accounting was trying to take over my job).

But these are really rocky $ times, and people get a little weird when they sense their economic survival is at stake.

If you've been following this blog from the beginning, or have gone back to October 2005 and read forward, you know I hit Atlanta with $50 in my pocket which Roomie promptly relieved me of, along with most of the money I managed to make until I moved out his place in August '06. When a junkie pins you against a wall, you give the junkie the money you have, no brainer.

I made some other mistakes, too, like using my debit card at the gas station, and the hold they put on my bank account has me NSF, rejecting my cable bill I'd put on auto pay to avoid being cut-off during a "not paying attention period" 'cuz I'm so damn depressed my primary emotion is "who the hell cares so why should I?".

My latest "not paying attention period" started at Christmas, and lasted until last Tuesday at which point I bothered to check my mail, weighed down by NFS notices and a polite note from the cable company requesting payment.

No, really, it is a polite note. Hopefully they will give me a chance to pay the money I owe-two months worth that thanks to my "not paying attention period" I don't have.

Having to look for another job is not going to be made any easier by my financial record, which is why my anger at the ex has flared so badly. I call it the domino effect, many do who are in the same spot.

So, I'm in a bad spot. I've made bad decisions, not paid attention, and worst of all, have drifted from my principals.

The stupid decisions and the not paying attention can be chalked up to the rock and hard place Crusty put me and the resulting depression.

The drifting, the bitterness? All mine, I'm afraid.


1 comment:

  1. That drifting and bitterness can be side effects of depression.

    If there is a clinic around someplace you might want to drop in, & visit a therapist. Depression can be treated.

    Hang in there.


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