03 August 2010

God willing, this is my last blog entry from American soil. I am moving to Scotland where I will be married to the most amazing man on Michaelmas. We will live in his house, in his little farm town on the northeastern coast near Arbroath.

My hands are shaking-what a surprise!

I met him through my peak oil forum. Love in the 21st century, after I'd resigned myself to a loveless life (read meaningless, empty, devoid...). He is a retired conservation officer-buildings and infrastructure, who better to fall in love with slowly over two years than a man who styles himself Slow_Dazzle, and posted these amazing buildings, intriguing links, and tantalizing tidbits about himself?

He overdosed on Doom at one point, and dropped off the board-I missed him dreadfully and longed for his return without wanting to understand that I'd fallen in love...another member started a 'Where's S_D' thread and I jumped on immediately-"I love S_D!" Horrified at the bold statement, I hoped no-one noticed my vehemence! I went on to remind everyone that he'd gone to paint his house-surely I wasn't the only one who remembered his statement the day he terminated his account and went off to paint his house...

He tells me that he decided to return when he saw my post.

I still wanted to avoid the awareness that I was already in too deep-when he began 'private messaging' through the forum, I tried so hard to be ultra cool without even knowing I was doing so. But...yet...deeper down the rabbit hole I flung myself until one morning I woke up and realized I was reaching for the BlackBerry before anything else, to see if he'd emailed during the night-by that point we'd exchanged private email address' and were burning up the inboxes.

Until one day he rang, and we spoke, and I fell completely, and so did he, and now I will leave The Tin Shack, the USA, and every thing/place/person I've known for the last 53+ years to undertake what is to me the most amazing adventure I have ever had in the whole of my five thousand years.

Poor, poor Slow_Dazzle! Sometimes I think he knows very well what he is getting himself into, and other times I am absolutely positive the only clue he has is that a woman who loves him utterly is tossing away a lifetime to travel thousands of miles to be his wife.

Perhaps one day I will tell him who and what I am-will he believe me? Doubtless, once he has met me, been around me for a briefish time. But...

Will I learn, will I know who he is? That is my question-who is this man who has healed my shattered soul, restored my spirit, made me whole again? Who is he? Can I have found somehow another like myself?! He hints, innocently, at years as long or perhaps longer than mine!

I have loved before. I have lost love I thought was a once-only, a tragic loss that shredded me so completely I was willing to live in a Tin Shack clinging precariously to the side of a North Georgia mountain. Five thousand years I waited for that one to trust me, to believe in me, yet he did one time only then never again. I believed with my entire being that one was my One, did I not hear the voice of God on it?

Yet...he betrayed me. He used me for chi, and left me hanging on a cliff clinging to a tree root that over the shortest time gave sickeningly until I was a broken heap over the rocks below. How does a person get over that final betrayal? The answer I thought was that a person does not ever get over, or past, or through; one only gets through each day to face yet another dismal eking out of merest survival.

Yet the heart heals. Amazingly. The heart heals. The process began I now think, thousands of years ago-with each realization that my One didn't, yet again, trust me, respect me, I was wounded, yet began the healing process, until finally my heart and soul was able to accept that God's Hope floats.


At one point I think Slow_Dazzle was shocked that HE was falling in love...he tried to break it off, and I hurled insults, abuse, anger, hurt-I went too far, and we didn't speak for days. He reached for me, though, and I flung myself into his arms-I will stay there now.

He has had cancer-twice. I'm not stupid and I know the chances of losing him too soon are higher than for most. I plead with God, DO NOT TAKE HIM AWAY! How much time is enough, how long does it want before it's OK to take him?

Over my lifetimes I have been married many times, usually to the same men, over and again. But never to this man, this wonder of a man, who makes me truly say "Forever, oh God, please give us Forever!"

I am in the middle of preparing to leave; making arrangements for the dog and two cats, packing what little I want to take to Scotland, arranging to meet my son's friend to leave the gun and a letter for the child of my soul, my Fox, the son who's estrangement from sent me away from Southeast AL to find solitude and anonymity in North GA. I contacted the friend, who contacted Fox, who is disinterested. My heart breaks while it simultaneously is soothed and healed by the man I wish could have been Fox's father.

Slow_Dazzle is not perfect, which of course makes him so, I laugh mentally as I count his 'faults'. He boxed as a young man, he rides screaming fast motorbikes (at our age, although at any age screaming motorbikes combined with my soon-to-be-husband and/or my beloved son fill my whole being with terror-two Mother's Day nights ago my son was t-boned by an idiot in a car and terribly injured. Naturally he refused to see me. Naturally.

S_D has had 'ink' removed, he sports one tatoo now and murmered something about having it removed as well.

He also has several degrees from UK universities-his intelligence is breathtaking!

Pop would have loved him. Fox? Yes, Fox will too. I pray with a fervour matched only by the fervour with which I pray that S_D and I have at least fifty years of this life together, that Fox will open his heart and finally know a real father, as I will finally know a real husband.

God is good. The Enemy slams shut a door, and God opens an entire world:)

4 comments:

  1. The cynic in me says "Buy a round trip ticket, just in case". But I really hope this really is what you think it is.

    Are you taking Mozart, Gonzo (and the dog(?) -- apparently I missed those posts) with you, or finding them new homes?

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  2. PS: If S-D knows about this blog, he probably already knows a lot about you and your life.

    Good Luck

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  3. I am s_d and I wholeheartedly endorse the sentiments expressed by the blogger. Here is the clue to prove my ID; something only the owner of this blog knows. Edinburgh airport and a walk through central Edinburgh.

    I have found my soul mate, after 52 years, even though i wasn't even looking.

    Thank you seybernetex. Love your cat pics on Flickr BTW.

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  4. I am very happy for you both. You deserve some happiness.

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Regretfully I've had to update my blog to comment moderation to prevent spamming. LOL, if only the fools knew my blog is seen by a very small and select group-it might help them understand the waste of time it is to spam my blog! Oh well, it's not as though spammers are very bright, after all.