04 October 2009

Wow, the world went through it on the 29th, right? Quakes, tsunamis, unemployment through the roof...

At 0720 where I sit this morning the sky is only now beginning to lighten. More rain is predicted for today and we are on a flood watch until tomorrow. The last flood here has left several area rivers so polluted we are being warned off so much as sticking a hand in them. Nice.

Since being fired Monday afternoon I have been doing a lot of tidy ups and winterizing projects but I need to find a job or else someone else will be reaping the rewards of my work.

When I was married and would try to prepare for a season change Crusty would become impatient-he really hated any kind of prepping against anything. We lived in Central Florida during Hurricane Andrew and he got a huge laugh out of those who were concerned.

He made me feel as though I was stealing from him if I bought extra food and water. Swell guy. So glad we are divorced.

I have been missing my children especially the last month. The past week more so. I wasn't kidding when I wrote that losing my job meant losing the only place I had to be.

In the end, it's a toss-up on why I am anxious to find a job-money for bills etc, or to have a place to be.

I want to be careful about the next position, but I don't think I can afford to be too careful considering my money situation. I simply don't think I have the time to be all that choosy.

And frankly I don't have all that much interest in leaving the house to go through what I went through at the old job. Jeez, I think I am traumatized by it all.

I went to work that first day so excited to be working for a Fortune 400 company. Wow, health insurance, a job where I could shine, make friends even.

OK, I never used the health insurance. Any time I shone, my co-workers made a point of slamming me, so the friends thing didn't work out all that well.

Today I will do some more things around the house to winterize. I'm clearing out some of the clutter, too. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything beyond read and crochet, though. Friday I found the Fall decorations, and I wasn't all that excited to try to put those out.

I've been depressed for years, I know that. But hopeless, well that is somewhat a new thing for me, and knowing that it happened at my job hurts.

I can't even begin to articulate how awful it was there, how disappointing that I was punished for excelling. Figuring out just how damaging it all was makes throwing myself back out there almost impossible-I've been putting it off.

All I ever wanted from life was to be a homemaker for a family that appreciated my efforts-others have that, why can't I? I am a good person, and I was a good wife, a good mother.

But I am sitting here on an early Fall morning trying to convince myself to get back out into the world because it is the only chance I have of surviving, the chance of finding friends, meaningful work...

When the only work for myself I ever saw as meaningful was as a homemaker. I think we are the souls who keep the world together, and God knows the world is not all that together now.

And I face its crumbling alone.

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