01 January 2006

Last post of the year.

Geeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzz-it can't be 2006, already?

Five hours, and it will be.

I'll probably snooze through it, the midnight. I'd like to stay up, but I've spent so many of the New Year's of this life alone, I don't think I'm up to stay up:)

God willing, 2006 will see me sorted out, home again-my own home/kitchen-and maybe God will send me a great man to share my life with. I know that this past year I have nearly succumbed to the whisper that I should admit that I believe God's promise to me has been broken, but ya know, nah.

God said so, and I believe him. Maybe this year...

OK, Crusty abused his gift of free will to savage my family. He wanted to hurt me for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was my absolute belief in God, and my faith that His will would manifest. He said I needed to learn what a vicious world this is, and that my God wasn't going to help me. He said I would learn how good I had things with him. He said that he would punish me for believing in God, that I would curse God...Crusty said he would teach me to hate...

And I also know from Crusty's own mouth that he was counting on God to 'make it up to' me-gulp, if that isn't abusing God's mercy, to think it will by some bizarre and convoluted 'logic' be OK to have brutalized Fox and me because God will make it up to me, I surely don't know what is abusing His mercy.


I am not Job. But I believe God has all of this in His sight, all of this, Fox, my grandson, Crusty, and everything else in creation. I really do believe that the reason all of this is happening is because God loves us, every last one of us, so much that he has given us the freedom to choose how we will live our lives-mortal and immortal.

Crusty thought he would bring me to my knees, and he did, in a way-but then I have always been a prodigious pray-er:)

Because I still believe that for every single second of the horror years-from July 1981 through this very second, an angel has stood by Crusty's side, praying for him, begging him, "Don't do this..."

Just as I believe that an angel stood at the side of every one of the terrorist as they planned and then executed the attacks of 9/11 here in the US, on 3/11 in Spain, and on 7/7 in London.

I believe we all hear His voice if we chose to-"Let those with ears, hear." I believe He sends every one of us an angel (which is the anglicized version of the Greek word for 'divine messenger') and we can ignore that angel if we chose.

I also believe the Enemy whispers, and tries to drown out the voice in our hearts, and that his whispers are insidious.

So yes, I've been through too much, my beautiful boy far too much. A lot of people have been through far too much, and all of them at the hands of the Crustys of the world.

But I am not going to rail and curse God for what the Crustys of the world chose to do, nor am I going to find a perverse satisfaction in the divine retribution.

I'm not going to do either, not out the need to spite Crusty; but I am chosing to accept God's love for me and my son; and I am chosing to feel pity for the Crustys because they think they are getting away with murder.

The only real murder is of their own souls. And God has a rule about that.

But that isn't my problem. I wish God didn't have to deal with it, I feel badly for Him that so many prodigal sons have no interest in coming home.

And I have a prayer in my heart that 2006 will be the year my son and I become a family again.

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